


paddy's pub: lesbian nightlife hotspot

by orangesparks



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Casual Ableism, F/F, Gen, Yuletide Treat, ambiguous yet canon unrequited brother/sister incest, and pretty much every other crude or offensive worldview in the tone of the show, casual homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-25
Updated: 2013-12-25
Packaged: 2018-01-06 02:01:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1101080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangesparks/pseuds/orangesparks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Look. Let’s be rational, here. You can’t just— dabble in homosexuality. It’s a lifestyle, Dee, a lifestyle, not some hobby you can randomly try and horribly fail at, like that time you embarrassed yourself in pilates class.” </p><p>Dee takes up lesbianism as a hobby. Dennis disapproves, for (not entirely selfish) reasons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	paddy's pub: lesbian nightlife hotspot

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thischarmingmutant](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thischarmingmutant/gifts).



It was 3:52 AM when Dennis arrived at Dee’s apartment.

Or, to be more accurate: it was 3:52 AM when Dennis broke into Dee’s apartment.

(Dennis didn’t really care for specifics in this particular case, thanks _much_.)

He had a key, of course, but didn’t know where it was. The same black hole where his dignity had gone, maybe. But he was a kind and gentle soul, and his sister was in desperate need of his help.

“No, really, _please_ just bang on my door at 4:00 in the fucking morning, and wake up not just me but everyone on my goddamn floor,” Dee hissed when she finally graced him with her presence, snapping her bedroom dividers shut behind her, hair disheveled, plain face decorated with only unflattering eyebags and desperation. He strode quickly past her, ignoring her snippy mood.

(He’d told her time and again that she really needed to step it up on the nightly face masks now that she was pushing forty, but that was another discussion for another night - time was of the essence, here.)

“You wanna tell me what the hell you think you’re doing, Dee?”

“Well, funny thing, I was _trying_ to sleep, but a certain asshole decided—“

“Cut the shit, Dee, you know what I’m talking about.”

She blinked at him.

“Except, I don’t. So if you could just, um, _leave_ , and come back to torment me during your normal hours of harassment, that’d be real goddamn great.”

Denial wasn’t unusual in situations like these. He placed his hands on her forearms, gently, bracing her for the blow:

“C’mon, Dee. Your sudden interest in... lesbianism?”

Dee’s eyes widened. The bird comparison was no longer fair in this instance; perhaps a lemur would be more apt. Eyes too big for her face, hair that decided it would defy not only the laws of conventional style but also physics…

“How the hell did you—“

“People get bored, people hack their siblings’ voicemail passwords, look at their Craigslist ad responses, things happen! Let’s not get tied up by the specifics of the situation, okay?”

He tightened his grip on her, stroking her arms through her ratty pink pajamas in what he considered to be quite a relaxing gesture (that unit on calming tactics in Psych 205 was worth every penny, it’d helped so much over the years), but Dee yanked viciously out of his grasp, lip curled.

“You hacked my voicemail again?! You sonuvabitch. You goddamn sonuva _bitch_ —“

“Calm your tits for five goddamn seconds, Dee.” Her irate tone didn’t disturb him in the least. Hell, he’d anticipated it. The woman became unhinged at the drop of a hat. “Your brother is here to help.”

She gazed at him in stark disbelief.

“Look. Let’s be rational, here. You can’t just— _dabble_ in homosexuality. It’s a lifestyle, Dee, a _lifestyle_ , not some hobby you can randomly try and horribly fail at, like that time you embarrassed yourself in pilates class.”

Dee sniffed. “That was years ago. And I’m a modern woman, Dennis. Men are pieces of shit. It’s about time I gave the fairer sex a whirl. I can be as free with my sexuality as I please.” She tossed her hair and snapped her fingers, grinning. “After all. It’s the mill-enn-i-um, _biiiiiiitch_.”

How she managed to drag the single word out into fifteen syllables was a goddamn mystery.

“Not years ago, actually, more like five months ago, and you’re still banned from the gym, and the millennium ended with silver pleather jackets and Ma$e still having a career, but my point still stands. If you're gonna do something you have no business doing, yet again, you can’t just go into this thing half-assed. You need some pointers. Lucky for you that my sexual schooling includes extensive knowledge of Sapphic relations.”

Dee scoffed. “Jerking off to lesbian porn doesn’t count, dickwad."

Dennis refused to be deterred, raising an eyebrow in challenge. “And yet I’ll guarantee I’ve still watched more lesbian porn than you. Care to make a friendly wager on it?”

Dee scrunched her face into a mortified expression.

(Unattractive.)

“First of all – _ew_. Second of all - Artemis briefed me on the basics, okay? I _think_ I know what I’m doing, thanks.”

At this, Dennis let out a choked sound - half-cackle, half-sob, all-betrayal.

“Artemis? Now you’re going to _Artemis_ for sex advice? The woman with a slew of fast food chain referential sexual positions named in her honor?! ”

Dee slid a hand onto her hip, head cocked. “Right, and that’s any weirder than my twin brother wanting to give me gay sex tips, _how_?”

Dennis spun around in fury, staring at the ugly and generic painting of grapes that hung from her kitchen wall, refusing to look at her.

How _dare_ she.

“The woman’s a joke, Dee, and you goddamn know it.” Shit; sometimes it was like his sister lived only to humiliate him by association. She probably got the bulk of her nutrients in the womb by draining his lifeforce. “I mean, you chose _her_ over me? The Burger King Queen? _The Taco Bell Belle_?”

“Yeah, um. Speaking of which. You seem to know a _little_ more about that subject than seems normal to me, so, I mean...”

“Don’t be childish, Dee. As an established sex god,” (though his back was now to her, he could hear his sister’s eyeroll, the ungrateful bitch) “it is my _job_ – my duty, if you will - to know the abnormal. To caress it with my mind. To be aware of all potential roadblocks to my future pleasure. For instance, if a potential sexual partner says to me, ‘Dennis, can we try the Wendy’s Frostee in bed tonight?’, I can immediately rebuff such a suggestion, as I am already privy to the hideous details, and respond, ‘No, no, nubile and tempestuous but completely-of-age college co-ed, for I do not want you to end up in a back brace by the end of the night’.”

Dee sputtered. He was unsure if it was a sound born of indignity or simply her gag reflex acting up, nor did he care to know.

He had made his point.

…and suddenly, his sister was bodily shoving him out of her apartment, door slamming hard enough behind him to rattle its hinges.

“You know where to find me when you change your mind,” he shouted, hands cupping his mouth like a megaphone.

Rude of Dee, really, to disturb her neighbors in such a way. It was nearly four in the morning, for Christ’s sake! But for someone desperate enough for sexual intimacy that she was behaving in such a ridiculous manner - think of it, turning to another woman instead of her own brother, a goddamn _legend_ –

Well.

He supposed he could forgive her for being shaken up in such a way – she was out of control. Thirsty libido, or vagina, or whatever. This silly phase would end soon.

She’d come to her senses eventually.

 

-

 

  
5:33 PM, PADDY’S PUB

  
THE NEXT DAY

 

  
“I’m just sayin’, man, if it worked on Gilligan’s Island- I mean, they don’t just put science shit on TV for no reason, y’know?”

“That’s bullshit, Charlie!” Mac cried. “No one in their right mind would believe that a cheese radio could ever possibly exist in real life.”

Charlie bared his teeth in a grin that bordered on maniacal.

“Or… couldn’t it?”

The giant block of gouda, jumble of wires sticking out from every which way, was placed onto the bar counter with the careful reverence of someone displaying the holy grail.

Frank and Mac gasped.

“It’s _beautiful_ , Charlie,” whispered Frank, on the verge of tears.

“Dude…” Mac narrowed his eyes. “Is that my watch?”

“Huh?”

“The one I lost here last month?”

“No, um, I don’t think- I mean, let’s not, let’s not derail the magic of what's happening in front of our very eyes, here…”

The door slammed open.

“What’s up, dickfaces.”

Dee strolled into the bar, unusually upbeat – almost _smug_. Clearly she had banged some mediocre guy this morning and managed to patchwork her withering self-esteem back together, however temporarily. Dennis heaved an internal sigh of relief, gladly turning away from Frank, Mac and Charlie’s discussion of cheese radios.

“Dee, Dee, Dee.” He draped his hands over her shoulders, shepherding her to a barstool away from the others. “I’m so glad to see your mid-life crisis has apparently passed.”

She stared at him, wrinkling her nose.

“…huh?”

“C’mon, the whole… the whole lesbianism thing? Surely you’ve realized how ridiculous you were being. Just because you can’t find a quality guy to bang you doesn’t mean you were going to have more luck with women. That’s just moronic. It was a moronic plan. I mean, looking the way you do, and getting as up there in years as you are—“

“We’re the same age, dickwad!”

“Women age faster than men, Dee, that’s just scientific fact.”

“Huh. Wow. Guess I forgot what science experts you all are.”

Dennis preened. “That’s quite all right.”

“As scientific as that little struggle going on over there, hmm?” She raised her eyebrows, glancing over his shoulder at Mac and Charlie, who were now in a tug-of-war over the cheese radio.

“What? What are you-“ Dennis whirled around, only to see Charlie looming over Mac menacingly, cheese clutched under one arm while Frank stood nearby, anxious to leap into the fray as reinforcement. “Oh, goddamn it. Will you just ignore those idiots and listen to the ancient brotherly wisdom with which I’m trying to repair both you and your confused sexuality?”

“And what wisdom would that be, exactly? Calling me old? Telling me to give up? Comparing me to a bird?”

“Well, we can’t—I mean.” He huffed in frustration. “It’s not going to work if you keep interrupting and mangling what I want to say with such poor turns of phrase. And the bird thing is so _old_. Honestly, I’m embarrassed you’re even still on that tack, but considering our little discussion about the millennium last night, I can’t say I’m surprised. Lately, I’ve been thinking of—“

A car horn honked outside. Dee’s lips curled into a grin.

“ _Weeee-lllllllp_.” (She did it again. Turned a single-syllable word into infinite goddamn syllables.) “That’s my lady. I just wanted to drop by and tell you ass-licks that I won’t be coming in tonight.” She paused, considering. “Not that I won’t be _coming_ somewhere else.” She chuckled loudly. “She wants the Dee, _if you know what I mean_.”

Dennis shuddered. Considering the kind of men Dee bedded, he didn’t even want to _imagine_ what could be sitting behind the steering wheel of the car parked outside.

“Ugh. I don’t want—“ He heaved a bitter sigh. Some people just didn’t want to be helped. “Just get the hell outta here. You're disgusting me. I’ll be here with the dustpan to sweep up the pieces of your broken psyche when you get back. You’re lucky you have me, Dee.”

Dee waltzed out the door, cheerfully flipping him off as she went. Dennis glared.

On the other side of the bar, a loud crash signaled that the cheese radio fight finally had a winner.

“Goddamn it!” Mac howled.

 

-

 

“You sure about this?” Frank muttered. Dennis narrowed his eyes.

“Since when are you such a bastion of morality, Frank?”

“I just think it’s kinda whacko that you’re so interested in who your sister’s bangin’, that’s all!”

“It is pretty weird, dude,” Mac agreed. Charlie nodded, looking on the verge of a freak-out.

Dennis rolled his eyes to the heavens, silently begging for reinforcement.

“What the three of you so very mightily fail to understand is that I’m _not_ interested in her sex life, or, let’s be honest, pathetic lack thereof. What I am interested in is her potentially throwing off the dynamics of the group with her new foray into lady-on-lady sex.”

Frank squinted at him. “I don’t follow.”

Dennis allowed this lapse in critical thinking from his ex-father slash business partner, and accepted that more instances of such would surely follow.

He was prepared.

“Of course you don’t, Frank. That’s why I’ve taken the liberty of making a chart so you, and any other confused parties, may be able to better understand my concerns in this situation.” He propped the poster board against the wall, clicking on his laser pointer.

“Holy shit,” Charlie sputtered, beer slopping down his beard and onto his ski mask. “Your drawings are amazing, dude.”

Dennis allowed a humble smile. “Thank you, Charlie. Now, as you’ll observe,” he pointed to a stick figure with giant eyes and blonde scraggly hair, limbs splayed in multiple directions, “here is Dee, making an ass of herself." He flipped to another board, one with the Dee figure leaning against a brunette figure with gigantic balloon breasts. "But this time, instead of driving away men, she drives away eligible women. Word spreads! They tell their friends! Women suddenly don’t want to come to Paddy’s anymore! They d—“

Charlie coughed.

“I, um, I dunno how to tell you this, dude, but, um... women don’t like coming to Paddy’s in the first place, so...”

Mac shrugged. “That’s totally fine with me, personally. I mean, I don't really want-“

“Dennis, _Dennis_ ," Frank soothed, "you’re worrying over nothing. Artemis has plenty of experience banging chicks, and she’s been prepping Deandra on this for weeks, now. She’s gonna have no problem getting women off. If anything, Paddy’s will turn into a lesbo bar! And those butch chicks like them microbrews, the real expensive kind, so it’ll be good for profits! Boo-ya!”

He and Charlie high-fived. 

"Yeah, man," Charlie agreed. "Artemis will totally help Dee get off."

Dennis glared at them all.

“ _Look_ ," he said in a forbidding tone. "If _anyone_ is getting my sister off, it’s gonna be me.”

“Uh, question!”

“Yes. Mac, in the front row.” Dennis pointed at Mac.

Mac grinned at being called on, his triumphant expression soon melting into one of confusion.

“Um, I guess what I don’t understand is – why are we doing this at her apartment, dude? Why not at the bar?”

“Excellent question, Mac. That’s because this, pardon the pun, kills two birds with one stone, and doubles as a stake-out.”

At the sudden noise in the hall, Dee’s apartment door flung open - only for her to see the four men hunched in her hallway in varying shades of camo garb (Mac’s sleeveless and red, white and black; Charlie's frayed and sporting a matching ski mask), chugging 40’s and gazing at poster boards of neon stick figure women performing bizarre sexual acts. 

“Oh, _goddamn_ it,” she hissed.

“Retreat!” Frank cried.

 

-

 

Dee slunk back into her apartment, raking a hand through her hair.

"Sorry 'bout that." 

"What was the noise?"

"Oh, y'know how it is - creepy homeless vagrants in my hall again." She shrugged a little too nonchalantly. "Philadelphia, am I right?"

The waitress looked at her with wide eyes. "You have homeless people... in your hallway?"

Dee chuckled nervously. "No, no! Not any-- I mean... I got rid of 'em. I have my ways. And if they ever come back, my friend Mr. Pepper Spray will blast 'em where the sun don't shine." She clicked her teeth, cocking her fingers like an invisible gun. 

"Um. Great."

Looking apprehensive, the waitress gathered the sheets up around her bare body. 

"...it was your friends again, wasn't it."

Dee rolled her eyes.

"Those dickwipe bottom-feeders are _not_ my friends. Trust me."

"Well, whatever you wanna call them..."

"Don't worry. After Dennis broke in last night, I'm changing my locks again. No one's interrupting this hot lesbo sex action for quiiiite some time." 

"But what if they try--"

"Shhh, shhhhhhhh, _shhhhhhhhhhhh_." Dee leaped onto the bed and clamped a hand over the waitress's mouth, stroking her hair. "You just leave the thoughts to me, pretty lady. Let's not forget who's who in the relationship. I'm the fast-talking butch who makes the decisions, and you? You're my adorable little femme!"

The waitress pulled Dee's hand away from her mouth.

"This isn't even a relationship. It's just _sex_. And it only even happened because I..." she sighed in frustration. "Because I was, well, lonely, and  _stupid_ enough to agree to meet another poly woman without asking for a name or picture first..." 

"Look, I don't know who this Polly bitch is," Dee said, "but I guar-an- _tee_ she can't fuck you like I can. Now. What do you say we stop dicking around with all this talking and _feelings_ bullshit, I'll pop that Melissa Etheridge CD back on that you like so much-" (the waitress rolled her eyes) "-get you all worked up and in the mood again... and I can remind you why you're in my bed for the second night in a row." 

Dee yanked her nightshirt off again.

The waitress grinned.


End file.
